Snake Baby Has a Whole Mess to Tell Wichita

You’d never believe this story, Wichita. I mean, it doesn’t sound like real life. It’s got real crazy since you left me. I did right by you, though. So, I found out all this real crazy stalker stuff goin’ on with this Colonel Luther. I mean, dude had been followin’ me since day one. Not like he loves me but like he thinks I got some kind of answer. You know me, I’d normally high tail it outta Dodge. Never look back at him. But, see, he did one thing wrong. He took you from me. Paid off some desperate boys like you and me used to be to go and cut your brakes or some shit. We don’t split. Remember? We put our blood together after that one lightsaber fight when you licked my jaw real good and I told you to kiss it and you said only mommas kiss boo boos so you cut your jaw and we put our blood together instead. We don’t split. So, I go to this asshole’s office and I’m ready to tell him what’s what. I’m gunnin’ to give him a Wichita-style smackdown. I think about all the times you stood for me and I’m ready to stand for you. I walk in and he’s so cocky just standin’ there tossin’ damn popcorn kernels in his mouth like always. I’m so pissed I lose my words. I dunno what to make of it or him or anything goin’ on. I guess that’s what they call seein’ red. I don’t know why but I just start lookin’ through the hands on the wall to find mine. I guess somethin’ about a trophy wall of hands sort of distracts anyone. Then, I come back from it and toss the photos on the desk. Yours lands on top and I say that was you givin’ me strength to tear this guy up. Sunnuva bitch looks at the pictures and goes for more kernels and I smack those suckers across the room. I think to myself good luck pickin’ those up and start tellin’ him what’s what. How stupid he was followin’ me around my whole life when I never did nothin’ and how I know he killed you. This crazy bastard starts ramblin’ off about a prophecy. I mean, Wich, the man’s straight up lost it. I mean, cuttin’ hands off is one thing but talkin’ about me being his prophecy?! You dying is a prophecy?! No way, man. Before I can think about what I’m doin’ next or which way is up, I’m chargin’ at that wall for my hand. It’s mine, damnit. So this nut job starts wigglin’ his jaw around and I think holy cow this man’s gone done it and choked on one of his kernels. But no, it gets worse. He goes and flops to the floor like a fish outta water. Guess he never saw me takin’ my hand back as part of a prophecy. So I tell him how it’s really goin’ down. I say, and this is word for word now, I say I will make sure no one remembers you for this. You will be the damned, old minister who died alone. You won’t receive fame. You won’t receive redemption. No one will know a Colonel Luther. And your words will be buried with your body in a hole that no one will visit. I watch him gurgle and foam a bit and then I get this anger back in me again. I look at your photo and I know what I gotta do. I set the whole damn place on fire. Turn that loony tune into a sack of bones that no one’s gunna care about never.