Q&A with Micro-Anthology Contributors

Miracle Monocle has released the fifth installment in our micro-anthology series, A Little Sugar in the Tank. The book represents the first collaboration between the journal and PubLab, a new initiative pairing students interested in working in the fields of writing, editing, and publishing with projects that will give them a one-of-kind hands-on experience with bringing a book into being. One of our three PubLab fellows this year, Lizzy Roth, has stepped forward to conduct interviews with some of our wonderful contributors. We’re hoping that their words of wisdom and inspiration convince you to click through and order your copy of the book, which is now available in print and digital format.

Lizzy Roth: When you think about your piece what are the first things that come to mind?

Madari Pendas: I think about all the years I spent believing queerness was, by default, wrong—and even when I stopped seeing it as bad, I saw it as inconvenient. It captures years of my own observational process. In my own family, I saw how being gay led to exclusion and being considered a second-class in the family hierarchy (until someone needed something, of course!). This piece also makes me think of my own journey, and how beautiful it could have been had I not inherited so many prejudices. I remember that early attraction as something beautiful, and then almost immediately that changed once I got to middle school. I think I will always be a little envious of people who got to grow up in environments that allowed themselves to safely explore and exist as queer kids and, later, queer adults. I think because I didn’t want to be perceived as anything other than straight, this inheritance also made me more male centered, and I feel like all those years I spent catering and begging for male validation were wasted. 

LR: What is your favorite aspect of your piece?

MP: I’m always taken aback when something in your work can surprise you—like you meet a part of yourself you hadn’t before. And I’ve felt myself become more cynical, especially about the creative process, so I need those moments where I think Oh, that’s new! I didn’t realize that. I felt that when I wrote, “…being gay was somehow worse for boys.” For girls, at least in my experience, there were allowances to kiss your friends, and even sleep with them in college and there would be fewer social consequences—in fact, it was encouraged by men; and experimentation seemed to have a place in the western narrative of girlhood, versus with men there was always a sense of violence if one wasn’t masculine enough or deviated in any way, and there seemed to be less fluidity in male spaces for physical exploration. I didn’t know I thought or felt that until it came out in the drafting process.  

LR: Can you describe the process behind crafting this piece?

MP: I’ve seen other authors play with words that have multi-valent meanings, so I wanted to try that with gay, which can mean lively but can also be used to disparage someone (in the early aughts it was the default insult), so I wanted to use the multiple definitions as a guide. I would use each one as a jumping off point, and see if the piece could capture these different possibilities of gayness. Having a structure or a premise can take some of the pressure off yourself, especially if there’s already text on the page. And I’m someone who always puts too much pressure on themselves.

LR: How does this piece fit into your larger body of work (theme, form, etc.)?

MP: I realized the other day, walking home from work, that the central question of my life has been: did all the trauma I experience stop me from becoming the person I was supposed to be? And Is the unharmed version of myself forever inaccessible? I constantly wonder how differently my life could have been had I been protected and encouraged. And now when I look at my work there is that line of questioning, along with wondering if I can ever be that theoretical, potential self. Or will I always be playing catch up? This poem fits into that question because I refused a lot of love from women because I was terrified and didn’t want to “inconvenience” my life. So, I wonder who I could have become if I had followed that desire, and how that love (secret and strong) could have changed me.